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Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
If I ran my legs as much as I did my mouth, I`d be in fantastic shape.
Beauty is only a light switch away...
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
You are right when you realize you were wrong.
I just wanted to send you a quick note letting you know that you`re in my inappropriate thoughts.
Miley Cyrus is not unique. I have been having full body spasms and licking random objects for decades.
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
My boss yelled at me today “It’s the fifth time you’ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!” I said, “Probably that it’s Friday?"...
My therapist keeps saying that I should really stop talking to inanimate objects.....but he`s a lamp...what does he know....
Cops never say “thanks for committing crimes and keeping us employed”. It’s just plain selfish.
It must be exhausting being offended by everything.
That time Homer`s arms were stuck in a vending machine until he realized he could just let go is basically what all of life is like