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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
I`ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Tip: When you’re not famous, people don’t let you pay for things with an autographed napkin.
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Insomnia causes questionable browser history.
I have off-road rage, too
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Theirye’re, problem solved.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
I just ate 3 whole chickens ... they were hard boiled.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
No, no, no, you don`t have to engage in a long explanation of why you`re single. We`ve spent five minutes together, I think I`ve got it.
I hate when I explain how awesome I am to someone and they pretend to not be impressed.
Being an American is awesome. The end.
Mattel is launching a new Facebook Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box.