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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
Sometimes I’ll catch my reflection in a mirror and I’ll be like, “oh no, that can’t be right.”
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
Apparently Home Depot`s slogan of "You can do it; We can help" doesn`t apply to masturbation.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
Welcome to fight club..., you may now kiss the bride.
I Don`t Care If you Don`t Like Me .. Iam Not A Facebook Status :D
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.