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The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?
Googling ways to dispose of a body, mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
There are a few people I`d like to go to bed with but I can`t think of a single person I`d like to wake up with.
Tomorrow, I`m going to open up the time capsule I buried when I was a kid. I can`t wait to see how big my puppy got!
Monday must be a man ... It comes too quickly.
Sometimes what sounds like opportunity knocking is actually disappointment leaving a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep.
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head.
If Guys Wrote Valentine’s Cards: “I don’t even need beer to think you’re attractive.”