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I might enjoy work more if at the end of the day I could slide down the back of a brontosaurus directly into my car.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one.
Iām pretty much always down for a snack.
This by far is your most f*ck up idea ever ... I`ll be there in 10 minutes.
I just got a paper cut opening a box of Pop Tarts. There will be no more fancy breakfasts around here.
All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I`m almost out.
The best person to get thrown in jail with would have to be the Kool-Aid Man.
I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees
Don`t you just want to write on some people`s Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps, or does he just feel like he is at work?