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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
If you just got invited to do something on New Year`s Eve, it means someone else cancelled.
Marriage is a workshop where husband works and wife shops.
Got my friend a Starbucks gift card. 2 weeks later I get a call. They said hey Dean, u put any money on this Starbucks gift card. I said no it´s a gift card. That´s the beauty of it u can put as much money on it as u want.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
I love long walks on the beach under the moonlight, poetry, candlelight dinners, and having my a$$ spanked with a fuzzy slipper.
thinks that decaffeinated coffee is just useless brown water.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
Next time you see someone you don`t like, begin conversation with "I see the assassins have failed."
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they don`t laugh either.
OK. So I took the road less traveled. Now where the hell am I?
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.