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Today: I`m going to be understanding, productive, and nice. WHAT? Stop laughing! I`m serious!
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Apparently sleeping your way to the top doesn`t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
What is this `wrong hole` you people speak of?
You don`t have to dress like you`re a handbag, unless you are Lady Gaga.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Werewolves tend to transform only upon noticing a full moon already in the sky, implying the affliction is 100% psychological.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
According to the 19 citations I got for trespassing and peeping, “neighborhood watch” isn’t what I thought it was.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.
If you cut your child`s sandwich into squares instead of triangles, you suck at parenting...