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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
Let me get this straight…a woman could pour hot wax on her legs, ripping all the hair out…and still be afraid of a spider?
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
It`s a little disappointing when you`re watching a school basket ball game & no one turns into a werewolf.
Why do prostitutes charge per hour? I mean, what are we supposed to do for the other 57 minutes?
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
I’m awkward when people compliment me. “Nice hair” “Thanks, I grew it myself”
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.