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If you’re gonna flip out on your Facebook, don’t delete it all the next day. Some of us still want to share your meltdown with our friends.
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
This day needs more tomfoolery!
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
To all the NSA agents reading this right now, I just want to say sorry that my life is so boring.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
Have you ever held your money and thought "I hope this hasn´t been up a stripper´s butt"
Sometimes, entire relationships can be chalked up to, "that weird thing I did for a while."
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
My wife just changed here facebook status from "Married" to "widowed", should I be scared?
Try this... When leaving a fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".
I just don`t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.