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Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
And that`s when I realized, it wasn`t the hamburger who needed help, it was me
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
Turtle: I`m the slowest. Snail: No, me. Internet Explorer: Bitch, please
Your day sucked, huh? I`m sure Facebook would love to hear about it.
Was at an Apple store today when I let out a really loud fart. Boy, the employee`s were so mad. Hey, Not my fault they don`t have windows!
So impolite of people to sneak up on you while you’re talking sh!t about them.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won`t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that`s what`s been missing.
Dear Life, Please, use a Lubricant.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
We think therefore we must be, but are we?
No one should be surprised that so many statuses are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Facebook by making good life decisions.