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My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn’t read that, you sang it.
I once peed a girl`s name in the snow, so don`t fcuking tell me I don`t know romance.
There is really no way of knowing how many chameleons are in the room right now.
Recipes sound good until you realize that you don`t have $846 worth of spices in your house.
Must you really ask why I have my selfie on top of my Christmas tree?
Me: You`ve dimmed the lights already, aren`t we forward? * smiles suggestively * Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I have officially bought the first batch of Halloween candies that will not make it to Halloween.
Say what you want about Captain Hook, but he ran that entire pirating operation singlehandedly.
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
People should be required to pay an extra dollar for every syllable of their coffee order.
To-Do List : Nothing[?]
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
I don`t mean to brag... but I`m a pretty damn good peek-a-boo opponent