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Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
It`s not that people use only 10% of their brains, it`s that only 10% of people use their brains.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
I just missed winning the lottery by only 6 numbers.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.