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Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever ... Bartenders, they are called bartenders.
I think the next Star Wars movie should go Country! I would be excited to see Garth Vader.........
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don`t want to do.
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
My wife told me her favourite position is when i lay very very still for a few hours........late at night....until the alarm clock goes off in the morning.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
"That wasn`t chicken in the Chow Mein" I`d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
There could be literally thousands of chameleons in your house right now and you don`t even know it.
This century is already 15% over.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
This could be the best day ever… but it isn’t. Again.
Personally, I think failure should be an option