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India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
Tire rotation? Nice try, mechanic! I rotated my tires like a thousand times on the drive over here.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
The male version of a tramp stamp should be called a douche tag.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
I don`t drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
No one thinks the screenshot of your text messages are as funny as you do. No one.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
People with no money sure do have a lot of pot.