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All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad
I`m sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew..
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
Does everyone have that one dumb ass that finds you on Facebook and will not give up? Repeated friend requests, inbox messages, and follows my pages. It is driving me nuts. I understand at some point I will have to give in, but just because I am married to her doesn`t mean I have to like her, right?
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
This weekend, a woman in colorado gave birth inside a Wal Mart. Apparently, its the first thing found in a Wal Mart not made in China.
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?
My car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night. So I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.