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You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button.
Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
The most common crossfit injury is a black eye from talking about it too much.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
Tip to reduce weight: Turn your head to the left then turn to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
Some people should calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
Jodi Arias dating O J Simpson now that would be a hell of a relationship
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
I was doing laundry today and accidentally left out a very large fart. 4 people turned around. For a minute, I thought I was on "The Voice".
Nothing says “friend zone” quite like a woman saying “you’re like a brother to me.” Unless you’re from Alabama.
I rather read the software license agreement for my computer than some peoples Facebook status drama on my newfeeds