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I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I`m going to need those back.
These techno songs last longer than my first marriage
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
Got interrupted downloading the new version of iTunes by a pop up that asked if I wanted to download the even newer version of iTunes.
Don’t trust people that dislike pizza. They’re probably not human.
If you can´t amaze people with your intelligence, confuse them with your bullsh*t
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
bitches want what they cant have..or thats what I keep telling myself
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome.