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You know something bad is about to happen when someone says "Hold my beer and watch this."
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
that song on your iPod that you always skip but never delete.
Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.
Home is where you can say anything you want, because nobody listens to you anyway.
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.
life is too short to match socks
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
Mister Rogers didn`t adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood.
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
Trying to remain humble but I’m the most famous person in my living room right now.