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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Love makes the world go `round, but alcohol makes it spin.
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
If Apple made a car, would it have windows?
A hard thing about business is minding your own
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
If no one comes from the future to stop you, than how bad of a decision can it really be.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
I haven`t seen any new episodes of Gilligan`s Island in awhile... I hope they`re OK.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."