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Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
I hate that feeling when you feel you wrote something good on facebook and then nobody likes your status. Depressing... :(
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
My brain has too many tabs open.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out
The awkward moment when someone say "I gotta use the restroom.... Never mind."