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Coffee...Meet your Maker!
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
I went outside once. The graphics were amazing but the gameplay and storyline were TERRIBLE.
Being normal is boring.
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
Apparently it`s ok to leash your dog to a bike rack, but it`s illegal to leash your kid to one. Parenting is hard...
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
Sometimes I get a little sad and feel like being alone. But then I talk to my dog about it and he reminds me I`m Awesome. Then WE DANCE.
most teens are switching to twitter instead of facebook. noone wants to get on facebook and catch dad pocking mom... if you kno what I mean;)