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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Just checked my Farmville for the first time in 2 years... It`s now a Walmart.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
Just took a "Try Me" sticker off one of the plush toys at Wal-Mart and stuck it on a condom box.
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
My p@nis was in the Guiness Book of Records. Untill the librarian kicked me out
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.