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i joined new gym yesterday. i did 3 sets of selfies on each machine
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
How is it that I always seem to buy the plants without the will to live?
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
I don`t have a drinking problem ... I`m just really thirsty.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
Walmart needs observation decks.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
Babies dont have parents, they have staff.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.