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True laziness is being excited when plans get canceled.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it’s only Thursday.
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Ladies, when it comes to doggy style.....I`m behind you 100%
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
Money can`t buy happiness, but somehow it`s a lot better to cry in a Mercedes than it is to cry on a bike...
My girlfriend is now mad at me because I didn’t know why she was mad at me.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.