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I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
when girls say bye .......... may be it means buy something for her.....
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
My pants are 75% off.
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they`re gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
Shout out to sidewalks. Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
If your that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy? Me: You have those here?!
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
My life is loosely based on a true story.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says "I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there"
I`m that friend you have to explain to people before you introduce me... And apologize for after.
Why is "Pissed" an expression of being upset? I`ve never been so mad that I pee`d myself.
I went shopping for some camouflage trousers earlier. Couldn’t find a pair anywhere.