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I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
Dear Mother-in-Law, Do not tell me how to handle my child, I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement.
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can hear them misspelling words?
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
The people who make medicine clearly have no idea what fruit tastes like
is here. Now what are your other two wishes?
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
If anyone knows Phillip tell him I have a bunch of his screwdrivers.
Just because I know I`m a "Good looking, extremely intelligent, funny as hell, sexy ass, Motherf#ker" doesn`t mean I`m "Conceited"...Im more like a "Realist", that just so happens to be very good with adjectives!...A "Bad-Ass Realist", that is!