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To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
I drive everywhere but for some reason my shoes still wear out, it’s like there’s just no reward for laziness.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
I hate bugs that fly, jump, crawl, dougie, twerk, 2 step, all that crap.
Orion`s Belt is a huge waist of space.
I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.
If God didn`t want us to eat Animals he wouldn`t made them out of meat.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
Sarcasm is wasted on the idiots who inspire it.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.