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Ran into the girl who broke my heart. Totally worth the damage to my car.
I hate sharing popcorn with someone at the cinema and our fingers touch. Especially if I don`t know them, and they don`t know we`re sharing.
DRINK BEER SAVE WATER..www.godrunk.com
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024....
At 4-way stop, the first person to finish their text has the right of way right?
I just spent an hour at the gym. I couldn’t find a close enough parking spot so I left.
When my kids grow up, I’m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I’m bored & then just leave!
What if , one day you randomly wake up and realize that you`re whole life was just a dream.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
Hey, guy from the gym with lifting gloves still on, you can take them off now, you`re in Starbucks.
Things that don`t kill spiders: 1: furniture polish 2: Febreze 3: butter 4: screaming
Few people have the balls to admit when they`re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.