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Most of being an adult is marveling at the date and saying how fast the year is going by.
When people said they sleep like a baby, it`s because they do not have one.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
After dinner I like to sit in the garden in my underwear and smoke a cigarette.....but apparently that`s not done at this hotel....
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
I don’t understand the point of lap-dancing clubs. If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me, I’d stay at home with the wife.
Always be yourself, unless you suck…and if you suck you should try being more like me.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
It`s everyone`s favorite holiday season where we try to guess if that was a firework or gunshot
If "The Breakfast Club" was made today, it would be a silent film about five kids staring at their phone
Every time I lose some weight, I find it again in the refrigerator.
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
Pink camouflage: I`m like, where you hiding? Candyland?
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!