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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
My son and his friends are great ... They always spray the house with air freshener before I get home.
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
When I`m not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant - you can only hide it for so long.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.