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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
I would leave my house a LOT more if I could take the couch with me and wear my pajamas.
I don’t know why Tampax and Hershey have not joined forces yet. Taping a pack of Reese’s to a box of tampons could literally save lives.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Hello...
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
When a cop asks you, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" It is never a good idea to respond, "Because my tires look like donuts?"
4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot how to reduce their fractions.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Does `virgin wool` come from sheep the shepherd hasn`t caught yet? ..just asking