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If I could have dinner with anyone either alive or dead. I would totally choose dead. Because, more food for me then.
Whenever I read: "Do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "Challenge accepted!"
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
I`ve robbed banks before...and they`re never getting their pens back.
I`m often a little confused when people call me insane because, to be honest, I`m still just warming up.
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
Instead of going to Starbucks, I make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
I want my children to have all the things I never had so then I can move in with them.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....
is giving everyone permission to steal, and use this status.
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.