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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better
You know it’s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”
If you’re happy and you know it, you’re probably exhausting to be around.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting sh!tfaced.
I`ve discovered two things today... 1. My cat looks so cute in people clothes. 2. I`m probably going to die alone.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.
If the Sahara Desert had a motto it would be "Long time, no sea."
I`m old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.