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The face jewelry is getting out of hand. I saw a guy today that looked like he had done a face plant in a tackle box.
you need a license to drive, but anyone can have a kid.
If you want your wife or girlfriend to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I really shouldn`t have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn`t concentrate.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
May you have a prosperous New Year. I may need to borrow money.
Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
Never look directly at the people having a sizzling plate of fajitas delivered to their table... It’s what they want.
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times
Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.
I wish all my freckles would just mix into a tan.