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If you watched a person cut a piece of wood, would that be sawed or seen?
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
Money can buy imitation happiness. I’m cool with that.
"Let`s eat, get drunk and watch people exercise" - sports fans
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
I`m going to be the first person to land on the sun! I know what your thinking and thats why I will be going at night.
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption "it`s cold" could you tell me more about that
Hooters does have hot girls, but the Subway girls are the real wife material.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep.
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.