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Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "Oh dear, this is going to take more than one night."
I love how people say they`re "expecting" a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Wtf? I was always told to treat people the way I want to be treated.. Stupid sexual harassment charges pending.
Yes Grandma, I`m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq
I`m bringing sexy back...if I only I can remember where I had it last....
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I always try to learn from the mistakes of other people..... who have taken my advice
My wife was so sick this morning that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night`s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....