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There’s a special place in Hell for people who call to see if you got their email!
Any question is a hard hitting question when it`s written on a brick and thrown full force at your face.
I love finding money in my clothes. It`s like a gift to me... from me. :)
The proper way to use a stress ball is to throw it at the last person to piss you off
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
Put on my workout clothes before going to the donut store just to give the impression I earned this.
Own the day
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It`s like they don`t know I plan on cropping them out later.
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
Who needs Halloween decorations when I can just put up my selfies?
I just saved a lot of money in child support by switching to condoms!
Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.
In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn`t move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
I`ve got a lot to unlearn.