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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
You know the fun part of your life is over when people around you are getting pregnant on purpose.
They say if the palm of your hand itches, you`re going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you`ve already got it.
People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their keys.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
When people I don’t know ask me what I do for a living I shout “Karma,” and punch them before running away.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
You`re single? BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.. Yea me too.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.