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Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
When the zombie apocalypse hits, I know EXACTLY who I`m tripping first...
I`m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don`t want to hang out with you now but I`m still proud...
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son`s love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don`t wanna have to explain why I`m in your `Random Party Pics 08` album at 4am.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
My only trick for looking younger, is when an 80`s song comes on I try to look completely confused and slightly disgusted.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.