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If I was a mortician I`d tie the shoe laces of dead people together, so if there ever was a zombie apocalypse it would be hilarious.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
People with 1 syllable names ruin the happy birthday song
Searching Netflix is almost more of an activity than watching a movie on Netflix.
I`ve been running as fast as I can, but I still can`t catch my breath.
You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
I`m convinced that homeless people have all the shopping carts with 4 good wheels.
You know you are getting old when people start telling you how young you look.
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macaulay Culkin because I always go home alone.
I have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell. :)
I don`t get my neighbor. tells me to make my self at home but then gets pissed off when they come into the kitchen and I`m in my underwear making a sandwich.
Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don`t know Netflix exists."
I don`t understand why people pay therapists when I`ll tell them what`s wrong with them for free.