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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you`re the worst employee at a toy factory
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
How to cure a headache: 1. Drink a glass of water. 2. Take 10 deep breathes. 3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
You know you had a good night when your first call the next morning is from the bank making sure your card wasn’t stolen.
90% of adulthood is just deleting emails.
Inventor of camping: "Hey, let`s go pretend to be homeless."
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.
Inspirational status: Today’s probably going to suck. Don’t be a little bitch and handle that sh!t.