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Ladies: We leave the toilet seat up because we don`t want to touch it any more than you do.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
Stress balls work really well when you shove them down someone`s throat.
The ultimate act of trust is buying your spouse a gun, and then showing them the correct way to use it.
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
My favorite thing about naps is that I don`t have to talk to people during them
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
CPR is the human version of blowing in to a video game cartridge hoping it`ll work again.
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
If I had a dollar for every time I had a nickel.......
What did the crop say to the farmer? Stop picking on me
I took two years of Spanish in high school, so ordering off the Taco Bell menu is super easy for me.