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Which wine goes best with more wine?
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Lottery gives you a 1 in 200M chance of skipping work tomorrow...alcohol is 1 in 5. You play your game...I`ll play mine
When I buy a horse, I`ll call it `MY FACE`..imagine all the ladies screaming `come on my face`
I have off-road rage, too
I do not fail, I succeed at things that do not work.
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
My ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!
WANTED: Someone to follow me around and whisper "You`re an adult" every few minutes.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
I just finished writing an article on "How To Improve Your Memory"- But I forgot where I kept it!!
This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FridaySaturdaySunday.
If we ever travel thousands of light years to a planet inhabited by intelligent life, let’s just make patterns in their crops and leave.
Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?