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Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
If you look in the mirror and say "Taylor Swift" three times, she magically appears then breaks up with you. What do u know next? You`re a song!
Being a fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
I did 10 minutes of cardio this morning. I was still drunk from last night, and I was trying to tie my shoes but whatever.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like `responsibility`
I would tell you to go to he!! but all dogs go to heaven.
Paperclips: The staple for people with commitment issues.