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first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
BREAKING NEWS: New $100 bills start circulating yesterday. I wish this affected my life in any way.
My New Years Resolution is to be less vain. It`s going to be difficult though, considering how sexy I am.
Remember, condoms prevent minivans.
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
The only part I like about doing laundry is saying I`ve got a big load
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
It’s a good job Apple isn’t in charge of New Year. We’d all be expecting 2015 and get 2014S instead.
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
QVC has agreed to purchase the Home Shopping Network for around $2 Billion...OR just 100,250,627 easy payments of $19.95!
I always dress up when I try to cook. The odds of me starting a fire are pretty high and I want to make sure I look good for the firemen.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.