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Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
I think sex is probably the best stress reliever, but I haven’t beaten anyone with a baseball bat before, so I can’t be 100% sure.
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
stupidity is a privelege entitled to everyone but you my dear are abusing this right
I’m not shy, I’m just really good out figuring out who is not worth talking to.
When you leave store without buying anything and all you can think is `keep calm, you`re innocent`.
Who actually clicks on the "No I am not over 18" links on "adult" pages?
They don`t say "Get down Mr. President" anymore. Now they just shout, "Donald Duck!"
I`m the type of person who goes out to a restaurant and orders a veggie burger with cheese and bacon on it.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
When I die I want someone to play that little death jingle from Mario Bros at my funeral.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!