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A stranger at Walmart just coughed in my face, so I`ve probably only got two, maybe three, days to live.
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
If you ever need anything please don`t hesitate to ask someone else first.
I`ve never been skydiving, but I`ve zoomed in on Google Earth really, really fast.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
why were you in my dreams again? i`m starting to think you`re stalking me.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."