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Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
In honor of St. Patrick`s Day, I`m going to create a hybrid of a four leaf clover and poison ivy and give myself a rash of good luck
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I`m not a father, but I have been called "daddy" a few times.
I didn`t give you the finger...you earned it.
Things people say after watching a movie: 5% - I can’t wait for the sequel. 5% - That was a great movie. 5% - That was a complete waste of money. 85% - I gotta pee!!
I fell asleep at the wheel smh, time to turn Mario Kart off and go to bed.
Guys, if she says she`s crazy, she`s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
Have you noticed that the "lol" symbol looks like a drowning guy? i bet hes not laughing out loud
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?