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Professor X can move anything with his mind... except his legs.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
The three most terrifying words a woman can utter to a man are "notice anything different?"
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Time flies when you`re throwing watches.
I like long walks on the beach and drives through Taco Bells drive-thru.
If you are offended by the opinions I express you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
How many Weight Watcher points are in an entire bottle of wine?
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.