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Girls become instant best friends when they find out they hate the same people.
Setting my coffee maker to `stun`
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
The only candy I crush are empty cold ones.
You say you don`t need to drink to have fun. All I`m hearing is designated driver.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
i like cake. and thats all for today goodbye :)
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
I`ve just finished doing my hair, want to come over and mess it all up?
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
What do women want? The opposite of whatever they have.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist