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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
I stamp my hand on Saturday morning so it looks like I went out on Friday night.
When I was growing up the TV was my nanny.
Most of you like waking up in the morning to see the "comments" and "likes" that your status received. I like waking up in the morning to see WTF I posted!
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
I`m so sick and tired of my light weight friends who can`t handle their alcohol...Last night , they dropped me 3 times when carrying me out of the bar!
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
The first guy who made fire by rubbing two sticks together probably did a lot of other weird sh!t.
Patiently waiting for the Prozac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!