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Invite me to your wedding . Invite me to go have fun , but please stop inviting me to your farm .
I`ve found that the best web designers in the world are spiders.
All the coffee in Colombia couldn`t make me a morning person.
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
There is literally no way of knowing how many chameleons are in your house.
How do we know that all the ancient Greek sculptures aren`t just victims of Medusa?
If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for a week
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
Why do ballerinas always stand in their toes? Why don`t they get taller dancers?
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
I just wanna be the reason your doctor puts you on a new medication.
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.
The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. Iām sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.
People who say they suffer from constipation are usually full of sh!t.