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“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn`t know you did that for fun.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.
99% of people in this world are stupid. Luckily I`m part of the other 5%.
I think every Taco Bell value meal should be called a "Number 2".
I sometimes ask myself, "What would Jesus do?", and then I think, Jesus wouldn`t be caught up in this sh*t.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
My haters only have one advantage over me. They can kiss my a$$, I can`t.
After watching the "Schticky" ad, I am convinced now there are 8 wonders of the world.