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Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it`s a two-star hotel.
likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain realizes what I`m doing.
I just saved a ton of $ on Christmas presents by discussing politics on FB.
Today is national bring your flask to work day. I just made it up. Tell the others...
Slutty girls are like Walmarts, everyone makes fun of them but when you`re inside one at 4am you think, i`m glad these are here.
My clothes are 75% off and this is not a sale.
I bet no one in Africa is allergic to gluten.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
I live in a madhouse, ruled by a tiny army, that I made myself
Baby.. I wanna be the reason you need therapy.
She’s thinking about having beer pong at her reception… that’s walking a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.