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Is a roasted peanut like a regular peanut that was made fun of by celebrity peanuts?
Wow!!, What a day..I volunteered at a soup kitchen, mowed my lawn, went to 2 Birthday parties, ran 6 miles, then told a bunch of lies on Facebook.
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
my Dr. says i have ADHD, i dont know how they see.... oooooh a squirrel!
I hate when I spend the extra money to buy organic vegetables only to get home and find out that I bought regular donuts.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
Hey people who say I am boring and not interesting; FYI the police just called saying they want to talk to me because I am "a person of interest"
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you`re not allowed to use them. Because nothing says class like useless towels.
To skip any youtube ad just change ‘youtube’ to ‘youtubeskip’ in the url of any video. You’re welcome.
It`s so frustrating when your hitman doesn`t answer the phone after you`ve made amends with someone
Why does no one ever talk about where a bear pees?
As My Wife walked by, she said, "NICE PORN STASH!" which got me all excited and I preceded to show her where I hide the really raunch stuff. She then clarified that she was talking about the ugly hair I`ve been trying to grow above my lip, and now, I have neither... :)
Why do I even have unlimited texting?
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
I took the "Which 90`s Cartoon Are You?" quiz and got "You`re a fucking grown man. Stop it. Right now."