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You should probably first master the art of thinking “inside” the box
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
Don`t run with scissors -- unless you`re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
The sperm bank is overpriced to store my stuff so if you come over, don`t use the cloudy ice cubes from the tray labelled "Future Champions"
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
When my kids grow up, I`m going to their house to break their stuff, eat all their food, make a huge mess, say I`m bored & then just leave!
If you`re not procrastinating just a little, you`re not doing Saturday right.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
Can you do me a favour? Stand in front of my car, I need to test my brakes.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
The problem with money is too much of it belongs to people who aren’t me.