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There is nothing louder than a party across the street that you weren’t invited to.
If you didn`t hear it with your own ears or see it with you own eyes. Don`t invent it with your small mind, and share it with your big mouth.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
Everything in earthquake-prone areas should be built on top of a giant Tempurpedic mattress.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
If being lazy paid, damn dude I must be a billionaire.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
I tried to login on my iPad. Turns out it was an etch-a-sketch and I don`t own an iPad. Also. I`m out of alcohol.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave