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My girlfriend said we can`t hang out this weekend because she doesn`t really exist.
Does the Food Network deliver?
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
Screw getting an alarm system. I`ve seen Home Alone, I know what to do.
Your duty as a friend is to LIKE my Facebook posts even if they suck.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
You`re never too old to learn stupid sh!t
Wouldn`t it be great to revive the old "Mutual Of Omaha`s Wild Kingdom" show, but with a new setting? Like a WalMart Store in Kentucky?
Crazy people are never aware of their own insanity. I’m so glad I’m not a crazy person.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Happy birthday to my Pet Rock who is 453,786,321 years old today!
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink
Apparently I`d rather debate in my mind whether or not to get up and pee than sleep.