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Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
You know that chick who said, "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?"... Yeah, well I ate her.
I know I should lift weights, but those things are heavy!!
Heat makes things expand. So I don`t have a weight problem...I`m just HOT.
The sound of children laughing makes me happy. Unless I`m home alone and my power goes out.
“I don’t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others’ lives sounds fun!” – How I got out of jury duty
Flight 370, proven harder to find then the G spot :-/
Congratulations India on successfully orbiting a probe around Mars. I assume you`ll be opening call centers on the red planet and using fake Martian names now?
So, you`re telling me that the Grammys aren`t cute little bags of cocaine?
Facebook should have a limit on times you can update your relationship status, after 3 it should default to "unstable".
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.